Monthly Archive for April, 2008

Guilty Pleasure Confessions: Shows That Make Bitches Cry

Published
by
Alfina the Vague
on April 16, 2008
in Guilty Pleasure Confessions, Reality, TV and TV Drama
. 2 Comments

While in most of my life, I am a steely-eyed, iron-hearted machine, I do occasionally love a good bit of weep-inducing entertainment. I am not picky about the quality of this stuff, oh no; practically anything will do.

There was an era of Hallmark commercials in the mid-to-late 1990s that would get me all misty every time. Remember the one where the family thinks their grown-up son won’t be home for Christmas, but he surprises them all, sneaking into the house during a family Christmas-caroling session and joining in on the chorus of “O, Holy Night”? Or the one where the old lady across the street is all lonely, but the nice young lady brings her a heart-warming card that makes her forget all about how her husband is dead, her kids left home and don’t call, and she can barely make ends meet with her meager Social Security check? All because of the Hallmark card? That one?

Yeah, so, it doesn’t take much. Last night I got all teary eyed over the finale of The Biggest Loser: Couples. Just seeing how all those really, really fat people struggled so hard, with the running and the weight lifting and the endless plates of chicken breast and steamed broccoli, oh woe, it makes me feel all sniffly.

See how fat they all were?

And then they go and get all thin, see, like so:

There is the emotionally evocative music, and the bursting through life-sized photos of their old selves, and the re-affirming of their commitments not to die of fatness before their kids grow up, and oh, man, it just gets a person to feelin’ misty. I must be about to have my Special Ladies’ Time or something.

Anyway, for other examples of this genre, please see also:

  • Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, where poor people whose lives are all a-shambles are given new fabulous houses with glorious furnishings and walk-in closets and swimming pools, oh my!
  • What Not to Wear, where shabby dressers are brought to New York where they get fashion advice from the fly Clinton and Stacy and get a $5,000 budget for a new wardrobe.
  • There are even some non-reality shows that will fit the bill, such as Men in Trees, which has the additional benefit of starring James Tupper as the ruggedly-handsome-in-cable-knit Jack, a favorite TVBF of mine.
  • Of course, there are also all of the animal rescue shows on Animal Planet, where sick, abused, neglected, or otherwise endangered pets are rescued and (hopefully) given new homes. Oh, man, though, are those shows brutal! Bitches, do not watch these unless you want to start dripping snot all over those nice throw pillows you just bought from IKEA. Er, not that this has happened to me, just hypothetically speaking, see.

And on that note, I am off for some wine, chocolate, and kleenex.

TV Top Fives: Veronica Mars

Published
by
Alfina the Vague
on April 12, 2008
in TV, TV Drama and TV Top Fives
. 5 Comments

I am always listing my “top fives” whenever I’m asked about my favorite books, musicians, movies, or shows. Partly this is because I love all the listing of “top fives” in High Fidelity, and partly this is because I find it nearly impossible to pick a definitive favorite. So I’ve decided to add a few “Top Fives” categories — one for TV, one for music, one for film — and I’ll eventually do a post on each item in each list. Fun! (I swear, tons of the fun of a new website is figuring out how to organize it with categories and such.) So, without further ado, here is one of my top five TV shows, Veronica Mars:

Knowing of my love for all things detective, you surely won’t be surprised to hear how much I love Veronica Mars. When it first started, I didn’t know much about it; all I heard was that people really, really loved it. The people on TWOP in particular. (Later, after I began watching it, though, I could NOT STAND to read the recaps or forums on TWOP, since the opinions of the recappers and posters there were overwhelmingly insane and wrong, but that’s a post for another time.) Once I heard it was a witty teen detective show, however, I was pretty much sold and decided to Netflix up those Season 1 DVDs with a quickness.

The show is, indeed, both witty and somewhat teen oriented, but it’s far more sophisticated than any other teen shows on TV. While I have a weakness for shows like The O.C. and Gossip Girl (stay tuned for future Guilty Pleasure Confessions on those), they aren’t really the type of show I’m likely to fall in love with, for obvious reasons. Mars, on the other hand, absolutely is. It’s informed by stuff like The O.C., for sure, but it’s completely self aware and cutting about that. More than that, though, it’s infused with the witty, fast-paced dialogue and shadowy, high-contrast look of the classic film noir detective flicks. It still has a hip contemporary vibe, though, working in nods to The Big Lebowski just as easily as to The Maltese Falcon or Double Indemnity.

The show has its comedic moments, but it’s also significantly dark. I sometimes find myself in awe of the fact that the show was able to air on network TV at 8:00 (or 9:00? but still) for as long as it did. It’s overwhelmingly gritty for a show set in a high school, and in a different way than, say, Buffy the Vampire Slayer is. Buffy is gritty, dark, and violent, too, of course, but it uses unrealistic fantasy monsters as exaggerated metaphors for the real evils of real high school. On Veronica Mars, the evils are all real, not metaphorical or fantastic. While they do explore the social minefield of high school, they also go way beyond things like sexual, racial, and economic tensions and into real crime and violence.

Veronica herself is a total badass on the model of Sydney Bristow or Buffy Summers, two of my other all time top five favorite TV characters. She is smart and snarky and has very cute clothes and a bitchin’ camera. (I believe there is a song about that bitchin’ camera, oh no, that’s a Camaro.)

The show has a great cast over all, two of the best being Enrico Colantoni, who plays Veronica’s dad, Keith Mars, and Percy Daggs III, who plays her best friend, Wallace. Honestly, remembering Colantoni from his days on that abomination of a sitcom, Just Shoot Me, I was shocked at how much I like him on this show. He’s completely great on it though, and his character (former town sheriff who has been alienated by the rich targets of one of his investigations and now exists on the fringes, working as a P.I.) is one of the ones who help elevate the show from being merely a teen drama.

I recently acquired the Season 3 DVDs for a pittance (incidentally, may I recommend perusing the Amazon.com used selections? Oh, the cheapness with which one can acquire!), which completes my Mars collection. Why, I think that, in order to postpone the horribleness of my weekend for a few more meager hours, I will watch some episodes in my pajamas. I should not be up this early on a Saturday anyway.

TV Boyfriends: Johnny Depp (”Wino Forever!”)

Published
by
Alfina the Vague
on April 8, 2008
in Film, TV and TV Boyfriends
. 3 Comments

I’m watching Johnny Depp on Inside the Actors’ Studio, an episode that was apparently taped sometime after he made Chocolat and before the Wretched Pirate Movies (which I in no way condone, but if they keep the guy working, fine, I GUESS).

Man, Depp is so totally one of my longest-standing TV Boyfriends (which is going to be a new category, because, honestly, I have so many TV Boyfriends that I will never run out of material).

When I was in middle school, my best friend and I would race home after school so we could make it there in time for 21 Jump Street, which we would watch, attention rapt, fantasizing about the day when Officer Tom Hanson would have to go undercover at our school. After the episode we would, of course, call each other and dissect his various outfits for hours.

The outfits are pretty bitchin’, are they not? I do love an all denim ensemble that includes a vest. Depp, see, is like a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a vest.

Speaking of his ever-changing and always fabulous wardrobe, may I mention Edward Scissorhands? What an amazing film, and totally inseparable from Depp’s deep-pool eyes, sensitive, Robert-Smith-like hair, and sexy leather ensemble. What could be better?

What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, another hit of my high-school years, continued to explore his sensitive-guy ethos, and stitched him more tightly to the hearts (and, um, loins) of me and my girl friends. Oh, Depp, how we would love to get stranded in your lonesome town when our trailer breaks down! We would be nice to your retarded brother and obese mom, too!

I watched Ed Wood late one night in college with my artist boyfriend, a vaguely Deppian-looking, pseudo-sensitive dickweed. At the time, however, I was busy reveling in the fact that I was 18 and dating a hot artist who was a senior — too busy to notice the unmitigated dickweedliness of his nature. Ed Wood seemed like the brilliant, weird, artsy film perfect for sinking into late one night while smoking cigarettes and lounging in a state of semi-undress. Little did I know the dude I was dating was a little too Ed Wood and not enough Johnny Depp. OH WELL.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas was a beloved book of mine in high school, so I was pretty psyched when I heard it was being made a film and that my main man Depp would be playing the lead. He was uncannily good, but I can’t say that it’s a film I’ll want to re-watch a lot now that I’ve quit smoking weed. An interesting point of note, though, is that on HST’s death in 2005, Depp not only financed the funeral, but also, I believe, fired the ashes out of the cannon.

I don’t have terribly much to say about Finding Neverland, but wasn’t he just endearing in that role? The picture below seems, to me, emblematic of that. Love.

Finally, here’s a gratuitous picture of the Young-and-Hot Depp of my adolescent daydreams. Hot then, still hot now. Wino Forever!

Depp, dude, call me.

Film Reviews for Ladies: 30 Days of Nasty

Published
by
Alfina the Vague
on April 7, 2008
in Film, Film Reviews for Ladies and Horror
. 7 Comments

I just saw 30 Days of Night yesterday, and let me tell you it was a major letdown. It had so much promise! For one thing, look at the graphic awesomeness that is the poster:

As you may know, this is yet another film based on a comic book, and that artistic sensibility surely shows in the poster design. And, um, nowhere else. One might expect some sexy-sexy vampires à la Buffy, Angel, or Interview With the Vampire. One would be disappointed. Oh, sure, maybe the vampires in the original comic aren’t sexy either, but how would I know that? I did not actually read the comic. What am I, some kind of nerd?

At any rate, please note the main vampire dude, depicted below. He basically just looks like some kind of creepy car salesman covered in blood:

That being said, I will admit that all of the other vampires are exceedingly disgusting, scary, and over-the-top gory. They mostly go around the town screeching inhumanly, grunting gutturally, and being covered in congealed blood from the nose downward. All of this makes them frightening indeed, but not in the least bit sexy. Where’s James Marsters in leather when you need him?

Not even the film’s “hero” could muster up any sexiness. Josh Hartnett, beloved by many female viewers (though not particularly so by me) basically seemed resigned and desperate throughout the film:

Weak. I won’t spoil the ending for you, but I will say that it only gets worse from here.

30 Days of Night: altogether too much congealed blood and not enough hot dudes in leather pants. Nice try, Slade, but next time don’t bother.

Guilty Pleasure Confessions: Dance!

Published
by
Alfina the Vague
on April 6, 2008
in Dance Shows, Guilty Pleasure Confessions, Reality and TV
. Closed

Dance shows aren’t actually the guiltiest of my guilty pleasures — after all, dancing is an art, so I can always think of myself as a Patron of the Arts every time I gleefully settle in for an episode of So You Think You Can Dance. Let’s face it, though: I mostly like the cute, cute boys and the breakdancing. I am afraid I can neither confirm nor deny rumors that after the show ends I recreate the breakdancing performances in my kitchen. I don’t even know where you would have heard such a thing anyway.

The goofy-ass costumes are a lot of fun, too.

Suffering the absence of SYTYCD since the last season ended in the summer, I was thrilled at the premiere of Bravo’s new dance show, Step It Up And Dance, last week. While Fox’s SYTYCD is made on the model of American Idol (which I flatly fucking refuse to watch), purporting to choose not the best dancer at the end of the season, but rather “America’s Favorite Dancer,” Bravo’s SIUAD is the sister show to Project Runway, Top Chef, and Top Design (um, all of which I watch religiously), meaning that it is decided by the panel of judges rather than America’s vote.

As might be expected on a Bravo show, they are not afraid of The Gays. While the judges on SYTYCD are always pushing the (clearly gay) male dancers to butch it up, and none of them are even really allowed to mention their sexuality, the guys on the Bravo shows are out and proud. Bravo, I say! The weird undercurrent of homophobia on the Fox shows has always made me uncomfortable.

Well, let’s not get too serious here! It is a dance show, which means it is completely impossible to take seriously. After all, they had Mel B., a.k.a. Scary Spice, as a guest judge last week. There is nothing serious about that. The audience was treated to the excited squeals of an 18-year-old B-Girl who has been watching the Spice Girls “her whole life.” For one thing, holy Hell I am old; for another thing, spice up your life!